


Highway

by sparklefox



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 15:19:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklefox/pseuds/sparklefox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern day AU. A few years down the line, Annie shows up on Mikasa’s solitary doorstep with a baby and a favour to ask. Some things are reignited and forgiven, they figure out the cost of moving on. (Mikasa x Annie)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Highway

The sudden rattling of her phone against the wooden table startled her. She stared at it with a frown, but ended up putting her laptop away to reach for the damn thing. When she saw the familiar number glowing on the screen, she closed her eyes and cleared her throat, but her mouth was dry.

“Yeah?”

_“Hey. It’s Annie.”_

“I know.”

 _“Oh. I wasn’t sure you’d still have my number._ ”

Silence stretched between them. An oblique ray of sun was hitting the glass of water on the table.

_“I know it’s been a while, but I need to ask you something. It’s about Lily.”_

“Is she okay?” Mikasa asked flatly.

“ _Yeah, she’s fine, but I just found out I have to leave my apartment by tomorrow instead of next week, and the one I’m moving into is nice, but it’s also a mess. The landlord’s on it, but it won’t be sorted out before Monday at best. There’s no water, no power, the fresh paint stinks… it’s not a problem for me but I can’t have Lily in there. I’m sorry to ask you this, but could you take her in for a few days? I asked everyone I know, they’re all busy.”_

Mikasa ran her finger along the rim of the glass. “Even her father?”

 _“Especially her father,”_ Annie answered after a while. _“There’s work to be done, cold cases to investigate and obsess over, the usual. He can take her for a night or two, but that’s about it.”_

Mikasa brought a trembling hand to her brow. “What about Sasha? She loves kids.”

_“She has a bakery to run, she can’t carry a baby around all day.”_

“Mina?”

 _“I told you, they’re all workin,”_ Annie sighed. _“Look, I know babysitting your ex’s kid isn’t anybody’s idea of a good time, but I’m out of options. She’s really quiet, she won’t bother you if you’re working. Please, Mikasa.”_

The last syllable of her name came a fraction of a second too late. Habits died hard, if they died at all. Maybe they just hibernated. Mikasa suddenly felt those seven years pressing down on her like deadweight, helping her find a different balance.

“You do know where I live, right?”

_“In the woods like a bear. It’s still better than my shitty apartment.”_

“Okay, then.”

A pause.  _“Thanks. I mean it. Can I drop her off tomorrow evening?”_

“Yeah, but it’s a five-hour drive from the city, so you’ll have to come earlier if you want to go back right away.”

 _“What do you mean? I can drive at night.”_  

“Annie, this is a cabin in the mountains, not a charming cottage, and it’s winter.” Mikasa got up from the couch and started pacing slowly. “You can’t drive at night, there’s fog and ice on the road. Which isn’t a road. Past the valley, it’s just a dirt path.  _This_  is where I live.”

_“But I can’t come earlier. I have to move my things from the old apartment into the new in the morning, then I’m going to work for a three-hour shift because my asshole boss wouldn’t give me the day off, and then I have to pick up Lily... This is a nightmare.”_

Mikasa rested her forehead against the cold window, watching the frost on the other side. “All right, come tomorrow evening. There’s a couch in the living room, you can spend the night here and go home in the morning.”

_“Are you sure?”_

“It’s fine, Annie.”

_“Okay. Thank you.”_

“I don’t have anything for a baby here. Should I go down to the village and buy some things before you get here? Baby food, I don’t know.”

_“Of course not. I’ll bring everything.”_

“See you tomorrow, then.”

 _“Yeah. Bye.”_   

 

* * *

 

Mikasa brought the axe down one last time, cleaving the log into perfect halves. She raised her head and listened to the air coming in and out of her mouth, eyes closed. The last rays of sun glittered in the branches above her, trapped in the frost, forming strange patterns behind her eyelids. She stood still for a long time, embracing the whimsicality that came with excessive solitude, and didn’t open her eyes until the distant sound of a car pulled her out of her reverie.

She gathered the wood scattered around the block and added most of it to the stack by the cabin, bringing the rest inside. She knelt by the empty fireplace and soon enough, small flames began to dance in the cracks between the logs. She watched them, her heart pounding like a mad bird crashing against mirrors, until she heard Annie pull over by the porch. The hum of the engine died down as Mikasa walked back outside. 

Annie stepped out of her car. She looked exhausted, sharp, pale, beautiful and strange. Mikasa just stared at her. She felt as if someone else’s disturbing memories were passing before her eyes in an endearing parade.

“Hey,” Annie said after a while, her arm resting on the roof of the car.

Mikasa nodded with a brief smile. Annie stuck her hands in her pockets and walked up to her slowly, taking in her surroundings. She was wearing a thin, washed-out hoodie underneath her jacket. _Did I slip my hand underneath this one, did I help you take it off, barely leaving your lips, did I bring it to you when you were cold?_

“So, this is your place.”

“And this is your daughter.” Mikasa’s eyes were on the little bundle of clothes sleeping in a baby seat at the back of the car.

“Yeah,” Annie replied with a sigh, “that’s Lily.”

She went back to the car, opened the back door and got her baby out of her seat. The little girl’s eyes were barely open, but Mikasa could see they were blue. “She’s a heavy sleeper.”

Mikasa could have said something, one of those silly compliments, _what an adorable baby, a sleepyhead like her mother! I bet she’ll look dashing in a few years, boys will be lining up for sure_ … but she didn’t have the heart. She just tucked a blond curl behind the baby’s ear.

“Did you pick the name?”

“Eren and I chose together. She has my last name, though. We could have kept both, but Jaeger-Leonhardt sounds ridiculous. Besides, it made more sense this way, considering we broke up barely two months after I found out I was pregnant.” Mikasa said nothing and Annie shook her head pensively. “Anyway, I’ll go get the bags. Do you want to hold her?”

“My hands are dirty. I just chopped wood.” Mikasa’s voice came out strangled. She cleared her throat.

Annie looked away and didn’t insist. She opened the trunk, lifted one bag with her free hand and went to wait by the open door while Mikasa grabbed the other two bags and the small folded crib. She waited for Annie to step inside first, but the young woman didn’t move. Her eyes embraced the room from the threshold. Mikasa wondered what she saw, if it looked like a home to her, but she didn’t ask. Finally, their eyes met and Mikasa gave her a small smile. “You look really tired.”

Annie shrugged. “You too, actually. And you’ve lost weight. But, I don’t know, you look… good. I guess life in the mountains agrees with you. You’ve been living here for, what, three years or so?”

Mikasa nodded. All their friends had thought them wordless lovers, as quiet in the intimacy of their little apartment as they were in the outside world. How little they knew. They’d always stumbled when it came to small talk, though. Over time, even their heady, whispered conversations had stopped making sense. It all ended in silence.

“You don’t want to go in,” Mikasa finally said, and it wasn’t really a question, much less an accusation. 

Annie was running her fingers through her baby’s soft curls absent-mindedly. “Even for a night, it feels like I’m barging back into your life, or into the life you built after me. After us. It’s strange. I expected it, but it’s like coming back to a place you once knew, only everything’s been moved around and somebody else lives there.”

“Learn your way around, then. Come on, she’s going to get cold outside.”

Annie picked up the bag at her feet and walked in. Mikasa followed her, closing the door behind them.

 

* * *

 

"It's good."

“Thanks.” 

The crackling fire and the occasional brushing of forks against plates were the only sounds in the room. Mikasa glanced at the couch. Annie’s daughter was sitting there, chewing drowsily on her baby bottle but not drinking from it, her stuffed lion under one arm. Mikasa turned her attention back to her dinner. Annie was looking at her from across the small table, as if she was expecting her to say something.

“You were right, she’s really quiet.”

Annie took a sip of water. “Yeah. They even tested her to make sure she wasn’t deaf, but she’s fine.”

“She’s almost a year old, right? Shouldn’t she start talking by now?”

Annie let out a tired chuckle. “Oh, she talks. To herself, mostly. You know,” she added, her eyes lost in the thickness of night beyond the window, “they give you all this bullshit about how your baby should start doing this or that between nine and thirteen months, how you should keep her on a regular feeding schedule, how you shouldn’t let her nap too much during the day to help her sleep through the night, how you should talk to her all the time otherwise she might develop a speech impairment…”

“That’s bullshit?” Mikasa asked, focused on her plate.

Annie shrugged. “Not really, but it’s all so… dramatic, like everything you do or don’t do is irreversible. But it’s so much simpler. I let let her sleep when she’s tired, eat when she’s hungry, I hold her when she cries. I put on some music or one of those literature podcasts you used to listen to, instead of cooing over her like an idiot. And she’s okay. She laughs whenever I wave a plastic bag at her, she cries at night... she’s fine.”

Mikasa nodded. She pushed her unfinished dinner away, putting her plate on top of Annie’s empty one.

“I’m sorry,” Annie sighed, rubbing her eyes, “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I hate baby talk.”

“It’s okay,” Mikasa lied. “I’ll take care of the dishes. If you want anything else, the fridge is right there, and there’s tea and whatever in the cupboard.”

Annie got up. “I’ll help you clean this up.”

“No, Annie, just…” Mikasa closed her eyes for a second. “I don’t know, go unpack your bags, or rest if you want. I got this.”

Annie smiled briefly. It was joyless and gentle. “Okay.” She picked up her daughter from the couch. “I’m going to get her ready for the night. Can I use your bedroom?”

Mikasa watched the sink fill up with steaming water. Plates and glasses began to float. “Sure.” She felt as if she was speaking a foreign language. _Get a grip._ “Actually, I changed the sheets, so you can sleep there. I’ll take the couch.”

“What? No, the couch is fine.”

“I’m going to work for a few hours. I’d rather do it here in the living room, so really, you can take the bed. It’s more convenient this way.”

“Do you usually work at night?”

Mikasa glanced at her. “Not every night. Most of the time, I don’t even write. Too busy fighting my own inertia, trying to figure out if I’m a morning writer, a night owl… it changes often. So I take what I can get.”

“You seem to be doing all right. Two books already, not bad,” Annie remarked before disappearing into Mikasa’s bedroom.

When she came back, Mikasa was already sitting on the couch, her laptop in front of her.

“Do you mind if I set up her bed here? She sleeps better when there’s light and some noise around her.”

“Go ahead.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw Annie kiss her baby good night and whisper a few words in her ear, holding her for a while before lowering her onto the tiny bed. Misaka wondered if she should have done something, shown some interest. She stared at her screen without seeing it. Annie said something.

“What?”

“I said I was going to bed.”

“Okay.” She meant to add _good night_ , but before the words could pass her lips, echoes of more loving _good nights_ silenced her. She kept thinking about this old poem, and that recurring line, _where do animals go to die?_ She couldn’t remember where or when she’d learned it. As a child, probably.

“Are you all right?”

She raised her head to meet Annie’s unreadable eyes. In her memories, they were fiercer.

“Don’t worry.”

Annie rubbed the back of her neck, as if all her weariness was concentrated there. “You know, for some reason, I pictured you as a pen and paper kind of writer. You did have a thing for fancy notebooks.”

“Disappointed?”

“A little.”

Mikasa hesitated. “That’s how I started. Pen and paper. No fancy notebooks, though, just cheap ones.”

“What changed?”

“I guess I needed the…materiality of paper and ink, to write about myself. Then I began writing fiction, and typing was liberating. It was still about myself but, I don’t know, filtered, transformed. It became about everyone, for everyone. At least I hope so.”

For a second, Mikasa thought Annie was about to sit down next to her.

“I read them, you know. Your books.”

Mikasa lowered her eyes.

“I don’t know if it matters to you,” Annie went on, “but after finishing them, I was proud of you. I still am. Not that I had a hand in it, but—”

“You know you did. If you hadn’t left me, I wouldn’t have found my voice as a writer. Or maybe I would have found a different one.” Mikasa shrugged. “And yes, it matters.”

Annie nodded. “Good. I should go get some rest, tomorrow’s going to be a long day. Sleep well.”

“You too.”

 

* * *

 

Annie sighed into her pillow. She could hear Lily crying on the other side of the wall. Drunk with sleep, she wrapped the blanket around herself and sat up, trying to get her bearings. The small room seemed to be underwater, dark and deep, bathed in blue. Annie must have dozed off, because the crying had stopped when she opened her eyes.

She managed to drag herself out of bed and slipped into her hoodie, shivering in the night. There was light under the door. She opened it silently, not wanting to wake either her daughter or Mikasa up.

The sight that greeted her hit her like a slap in the face. It shouldn’t have. Just Mikasa with Lily in her arms, lulling her back to sleep. It was the way she held her that got to Annie, so secure, gentle.

She closed the door and stood there, her sweaty palm against the rough wood, trying to control her erratic breathing. What the fuck was she doing here? It was like a fever dream. She turned around to look out the window, confused fantasies swarming her head. What would it feel like to smash the glass, to stand under a rain of shards and slip away, blood dripping from her fingers and blossoming in the snow like sick flowers?

 _Bullshit escape fantasies_. She tried to shake herself out of it by opening Mikasa’s drawers. Her eyes darted from neatly folded shirts to plain underwear to scarfs to everything that meant someone was living and breathing here, that it wasn’t a claustrophobic card castle. There was a mirror on the wall. It was her own reflection, barely outlined in the darkness but so familiar, that quieted her wandering mind and told her everything was what it appeared to be, even ghosts. She exhaled slowly.

 

* * *

 

She rubbed her arms, suppressing a shiver. They were standing before the fireplace. It was an aggressive kind of heat, not like the warmth of a bed, or other things. 

“What’s summertime like, up here?”

Mikasa shifted Lily’s weight onto her other arm. The shadows cast by the flames danced across her face. “Flowers everywhere. Summer rain.”

Annie got closer to the hearth and sat on the low table facing it. “Is she asleep?”

“She’s getting there. You don’t have to stay up, I’ll put her back to bed.”

“I know.” She stared at the fire. “But it’s nice. Being with her, but not having to take care of her. Have someone else do it, just for a few minutes.”

Mikasa sat next to her on the table and put an arm around her, so lightly Annie could barely feel it. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, too tired to cry. “Listen to me, feeling sorry for myself. Do you remember how different I used to be? Never complaining, soldiering on and on.”

“To get where?” Mikasa asked, stroking Annie’s shoulder, “There’s just here, this is it. This is your life. You have to get up every day, go to work, go through the motions, go out with friends, watch your daughter grow. You live, you learn, you don’t know why. And sometimes you feel cheated, as if life had broken its promise, somehow.”

Annie rested her head on Mikasa’s shoulder. “Yeah.”

“So you write a book. You make a baby. Anything to leave a trace behind so that in hindsight, it all seems to make some sort of sense. To have to something to show for it. And it’s all right. ‘I was here, I loved, I created’… not so bad an epitaph, is it?”

“It should be enough. But no matter how ridiculous my dad was, with his unshakable belief that I was on some sort of grand, vague mission, that I would make my mark somehow… it’s all crap, something you wish you could outgrow, but you can’t. You never outgrow it. And it contaminates everything, every relationship you have.” Mikasa removed her hand from Annie’s shoulder, but Annie gently caught her by the wrist to keep it there. She couldn’t look at her so she just stared straight ahead. “You remember what I told you all these years ago, right? That deep down I don’t think I have what it takes to prove him right?”

“I remember.”

“When I see someone strong, someone earnest and eager, I just want to be their stepping stone, see them reach higher than I ever could. They’re idiots, these people, yet I wish I could be more like them. But I’m too jaded, or, I don’t know. I’m drawn to them.”

With her head resting so close to Mikasa’s neck, Annie saw her pulse quicken and felt, rather than heard, her voice tremble. “I understood that from the beginning. That I wasn’t enough of a dreamer for you. When Eren told me you were together two years ago, it didn’t really surprise me. I never told you but back when we met, you know, when Eren started coming to your self-defense classes on a whim and I just tagged along, I thought…” Mikasa stopped speaking for a few seconds. Annie swallowed uneasily and straightened up to look at her. She noticed Lily was finally asleep, oblivious to everything. “I thought you’d be good for each other. You were so fond of him, so harsh, you taught him everything the hard way and he respected you for it. So did I. And then,” Mikasa went on, letting out a disbelieving chuckle, “it turned out that the one you wanted to be with wasn’t him. It was me. I didn’t understand.”

“No you didn’t, and I never explained. We were too young,” Annie whispered.

Mikasa tightened her embrace for a while, then released her. She was no longer sitting on the table when Annie opened her eyes after a slow, shaky intake of breath. She turned around and watched her put Lily back to bed delicately. The baby didn’t even stir.

“I can make us some tea, if you want to talk.”

Annie nodded.

 

* * *

 

“Careful, it’s really hot.”

“Thanks.”

Annie took the steaming mug Mikasa was holding out for her. They sat in silence for a long time. There was no tension, no comfort either, in the way they sat close to each other on the couch. Mikasa’s eyes were far away.

“It’s because you were different,” Annie finally said. Mikasa looked at her. “Eren was the one who wanted to learn, not you. You didn’t even enjoy fighting. You were so good at it, you learned so fast.” Jasmine tea. The liquid hadn’t even touched her lips, but the fragrance rising from the mug was intoxicating. “You’re right, I liked him… freshly minted detective, hell bent on making a difference. I knew I could teach him something. But you, you weren’t asking for anything. I didn’t understand you. Being around you was uncomfortable, but also restful. You brought me some kind of stability that I really, really needed.”

“But it wasn’t enough.”

“I know. I’m so sorry. You intrigued me, you moved me, and still I wanted more. I wanted you to be exceptional. To become all that I wouldn’t be.”

“So you left, is that it? So that I’d become someone you’d be proud of, like, I don’t know, a reclusive writer? You’re so full of shit.”

Annie averted her eyes, pressing her palms against the mug. It burned.

“Sorry,” Mikasa sighed before she could say anything. “That was unfair. You made your decisions, I made mine, and here we are.”

“No, you’re right,” Annie said blankly. “But I also left because, well, that’s what I do, right? I left you, I left Eren… my father drilled it into me, it’s not worth it unless you do it alone. And some part of me still believes that, even though I don’t know what ‘it’ is.”

Silence settled over them again like snow.

“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Mikasa finally said. “Your failures, your aspirations…”

 _But I do remember. Your handwriting, the way you liked your coffee, how you’d hold me at night._ Annie looked at her, and it all seemed so weightless, all these years, her mistakes, their joys.

“Tell me, then. What it meant to you.”

“I don’t know anymore, Annie.”

It was so strange, hearing her own name like this. Nobody else said it with such intensity. She was grateful for it. Names mattered, and the way they were uttered, by a mother, a lover, a friend. Annie put her mug on the table and held out her hand. Mikasa laced their fingers together. It had always been simple between them, the way they touched each other.

“Just tell me,” she asked once more, breathless. “Please.”

Mikasa swallowed. Annie resisted the urge to kiss the back of her hand, to draw her close. A time for words and a time for gestures. A time for everything.

“You’re wrong,” Mikasa said without looking at her. “Sometimes people do outgrow it. That promise, that obligation. That’s what you were to me. You know what happened to my family, how Eren saved me, how his parents took me in. Before I met you, that debt was all there was. And there you were, making me feel like I existed by myself, for myself. I still remember how you wiped the floor with me during that first training session, how you helped me up afterwards. You didn’t even know Eren and I knew each other. And you were beautiful,” she added after a while, as if it meant anything.

Annie pressed Mikasa’s hand against her forehead. There was nothing to say.

“When you broke up with me,” Mikasa went on, “I felt as if I’d lost it all over again, my identity, my role… but in the end, it was all right. I found my own way. I’m not sure I like the person I’ve become. That’s the hard part, wondering what might have been. Hell, not even wondering, just feeling like somewhere not too far away, there’s a happier me, and I don’t know how to get to her. Deep down, I don’t want to.”

Mikasa withdrew her hand from Annie’s and shot her an apologetic glance. “I didn’t mean to make you comfortable,” Annie said.

“I know, but when you touch me, what am I allowed to feel? You used to hold my hand just like that, but now it’s supposed to mean something different because we’re, what, friendly exes? I’m not good at this Annie, at compartmentalizing everything the way you do.”

“Lately, not so much,” Annie murmured. “Life does that to you, I guess. I know I’ve no right to say this, but the line isn’t that clear cut for me either. We’ve had so much. It’s my own damn fault, but seeing you again… it’s difficult for me too.”

“It was nobody’s fault. You did what you could with whatever you were struggling with, you never lied to me, and you left. That’s all there is to it.” Mikasa remained silent for a while, drinking her tea. “Is there someone in your life?”

“What? Oh, no. I mean, sometimes I go out with my coworkers, or some of our friends, but I often come home alone. Every time, actually. And you? Are you seeing anyone?”

Mikasa shook her head. “Maybe you already know, but back when I moved in here almost four years ago, Sasha was the one who found this cabin for me. She helped me settle in, stayed a few days to teach me what I needed to live here… how to build a fire, how to prevent the pipes from freezing, that kind of things. And I think that at some point, she was hoping that maybe we could have something.”

“Did you?”

“No, it wasn’t… she was very discreet about it, you know her. Very respectful. She helped me through a lot. One day she just showed up for my birthday,” Mikasa chuckled, “with all these bags of food and she spent hours cooking up this amazing dinner, even the bread was homemade. You’ve seen how tiny the kitchen is, right? I’ve no idea how she pulled it off. She’d even brought DVDs, some great wine from Château-something… we had a good time. And maybe she’d had one glass too many, I don’t know, but she took my hand and told me I meant a lot to her, and that if I ever felt ready for another relationship, she would…” Mikasa shrugged.

Annie’s heart was pounding in her ears, but she ignored it and wiped the tear that was making its way down Mikasa’s cheek. “Why not, then? She’s wonderful. Don’t tell me you turned her down because you thought she deserved better. That’s just lame, telling someone you know what they need better than they do.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not the only one who screws things up. But no, I didn’t tell her that. I didn’t feel ready for anything. I love her, you know, but… how do you recover from what we had, you and I? How can anyone compare? And I know it’s the point, it would have been different with her. Maybe she’d have made me happy, maybe I’d have made _her_ happy. But I’ve known that burn, when I was with you, that made everything so much sharper, that finally made me selfish.” This time, Annie pulled her into a tight embrace. Her hands were trembling. “Because lovers are selfish,” Mikasa whispered in her ear. “They’re faithful only to their feelings. All my loyalties, to Eren, to his parents or the memory of mine, they stopped weighing anything, they were swept away and I never regretted them. And they say that this is just the honeymoon phase, that passion is easy but routine is hard, but it doesn’t matter. Once you’ve known that, once you’ve been filled with someone else to the point you stopped existing, even for a few weeks, or months, it changes you. And with whatever is left, you can become someone.” Mikasa pulled away so she could look at Annie. “And you’re telling me,” she said slowly, their lips less than an inch apart, “that I should have treated Sasha’s feelings as if they were anything less? That I should have jumped at the chance for a peaceful, loving relationship with the kindest person I know? But what if she wanted more, what if our sweet little Sasha wanted to feel that burn too? Who knows what goes on in another person’s heart?”

“You’ve never been able to treat anything lightly.”

“No. Everything is dead serious. And you’re like me, even though you know the world is just one big joke. It’s our own little tragedy,” Mikasa said with a hint of a smile.

“Ah, yes, you and your tragedies,” Annie replied, running her hand through Mikasa’s hair. “I saw it on your nightstand, Euripides’ _Classic Tragedies_. You should get a new copy, this one’s falling apart.”

“I like it that way.”

Annie tried not to chuckle. “Do you remember when you dropped it in our bath? I thought you were gonna cry.”

“And you were laughing your ass off, it broke my heart.”

“It’s just the way it happened, how you were getting so worked up reading Creusa’s imprecation against Apollo and then splash, you dropped it between my legs. You were livid.”

“Shut up,” Mikasa retorted, but by then they were both struggling to contain their laughter. “I can’t believe you remember what I was reading.”

“Of course I do. You know, I often wondered what the others would have thought if they knew what we were really like, as a couple. All our weird little rituals.”

Mikasa drew her a little closer. “I think all couples have them.”

“Sure, but acting out Greek tragedies whenever we were having a bath… that’s pretty special.”

“You loved it.”

“I did.”

“What was your favourite?” Mikasa’s voice was barely a murmur. Annie rested her forehead against hers and closed her eyes. She soon felt Mikasa’s hand on her cheek, tracing the outline of her jaw. “Is that okay?” Mikasa asked, not trying to hide the uncertainty from her voice. Annie nodded and placed a light kiss on her palm.

“ _Hippolytus_ ,” she finally answered. “That was my favourite. I don’t remember the story, but there was that scene, Phaedra’s dream. When she’s delirious, with visions of Hippolytus hunting in the forest. And she doesn’t know who is the prey, who is the hunter, if she loves him, or wants to be him, or both. It’s beautiful.”

“Why?”

“Well, you know, all lovers have that fantasy, wanting to be one with the object of their desire. Then they realize that it’s not possible, that you can never get close enough. And if they’re lucky, they start to understand that it wouldn’t be that wonderful anyway. That it’s more interesting to remain two, than to become one.”

Mikasa laid her head on Annie’s shoulder and let out a sigh that, upon brushing against the skin of her neck, made Annie shiver. She turned her head slightly so she could look at Mikasa. “I’m going to kiss you,” she whispered. Mikasa smiled, but there was a hint of resignation in her eyes, so Annie closed hers.

It felt like kissing a stranger. There was no electricity when their lips met, no fireworks. Skin against skin, seven years in between. The taste of jasmine on their lips.

_“Have you done this before?”_   
_“Does it matter to you?”_   
_“No, I guess not.”_   
_“You’re nervous. Is it because I’m a girl?”_   
_“It’s because I like you.”_

Annie broke the kiss and wrapped her arms around Mikasa’s neck. Everything was so calm. Mikasa’s hands were resting loosely on her hips.

“Come to bed with me. We don’t have to do anything.”

“Do you miss it?”

“What, sex?”

“With me.”

Annie nodded. “Sometimes. But mostly, I miss our… I don’t even know what to call it. Intimacy? The way we figured it out together, how you liked me to touch you, where, when to stop. Every couple does this, I suppose, but I don’t know. That’s what I miss, the honesty of it.”

“I don’t know if I can give you that again, even for one night.”

“Can we find out together?”

Mikasa stroked her cheek. “I’m going to disappoint you.”

“Me, or yourself?”

“What are you now, my shrink?” she smiled, taking Annie’s hand. “Come.”

 

* * *

 

Once they were inside the bedroom, Mikasa cornered her softly against the door, halfway between a trap and an embrace. It was that time of night, past the witching hour, when everything was muted and dark. Annie’s breathing deepened as she took in the warmth of Mikasa’s body, pressed up against hers, the scent of her hair, the lightness of her fingers slipping underneath her hoodie, but not her tee-shirt, to trace the curves of her waist. Was it the touch of a lover, of that of a sculptor? Annie wanted to reduce the distance between them, to get her answer from a kiss, but she remained still. At this point, there was nothing she could offer Mikasa but time. The luxury to take things slow, or not take them at all.

Mikasa leaned forward a little. “Can you take off your clothes?” She pressed a lingering kiss on Annie cheek. “Please.”

“Of course I can, you idiot,” Annie replied, returning the kiss. _I’ll do that and more, I’ll touch you, I’ll touch myself if you want me to._ But she didn’t say that. She let Mikasa step away from the door, then took off her hoodie and let it fall on the floor. She slipped her tee-shirt over her head and dropped it as well. Her panties were all she was wearing underneath, and she took them off too. No teasing, simple moves.

Mikasa was standing by the bed, so Annie came closer. She wasn’t sure, in the darkness, the moving shadows, but she thought she saw Mikasa smile, that reassuring smile meant for Annie alone.

“You’re beautiful. And cold,” Mikasa chuckled when she saw Annie shiver. “Come here.” She took her in her arms, they stayed like that for a long time.

“I’ve missed you,” Annie murmured, her face buried in the crook of Mikasa’s neck. She kissed her there, once, twice, until she felt her pulse quicken under her lips. Her hands travelled downwards to unbutton Mikasa’s jeans. She stopped before unzipping the fly and looked at her, but it was too dark to read her expression. Mikasa’s fingers trailing along her spine gave her permission to go on, so she knelt down as she lowered Mikasa’s jeans until she could take them off. She pulled up her shirt slightly to place a kiss on her stomach, then one a little lower, just above the rim of her panties. She hesitated, running her hands over Mikasa’s inner thighs slowly. The skin was so soft there. She’d forgott—

“Annie?”

She raised her head. “Yes?”

“Please, get up. I don’t like seeing you like this.”

_What, on my knees?_

“Where do you want me then?” she asked, trying to stifle a bout of nervous laughter.

“In my bed,” Mikasa replied, helping her up. “On top of me.”

The playfulness in her voice seemed to take the edge off everything. Annie smiled. “I can do that. Lie down, woman,” she said, poking her in the stomach. Mikasa complied, reclining on the mattress behind her and taking Annie with her in one swift movement. “Ouch,” Annie winced when their foreheads bumped as they fell on the bed. “Real smooth, Mika. Real smooth.” She propped herself up on her elbows, staring down at Mikasa, who brushed her hair back. Annie caught one of her fingers in her mouth and sucked on it lightly.

“Look who’s talking,” Mikasa smirked, running her thumb on Annie’s lower lip.

Annie shrugged, giving her a sly glance. In truth, she couldn’t think of a witty comeback because the fact that she was completely naked while Mikasa was still half dressed was beginning to turn her on. Maybe Mikasa picked up on it — Annie didn’t know how to read the signs anymore — but she withdrew her fingers from Annie’s mouth to pull her into a kiss, much deeper this time, and slow. The kind of slow that went to your head, to your lungs, to other places. The caress of Mikasa’s tongue against her own sent a rush of emotion straight to the pit of Annie’s stomach, her mind racing with all the memories her body was recalling for her.

Mikasa wrapped her legs around Annie’s lower back. The sudden weight, the added pressure and the feel of Mikasa’s underwear rubbing against her sensitive skin almost caused Annie’s arms to give out under her. She bit Mikasa’s lip, eliciting a sigh in response. Pleasure? Surprise? _I want to get you off, I just want to get you off_ , she thought repeatedly. The warmth of Mikasa’s breath against her lips, sending shivers down her spine, was making it hard to focus on anything but her own sensations. But she tried, even when Mikasa’s fingernails started digging into her back and Annie couldn’t breathe for a second.

She broke the kiss and leaned down to attend to Mikasa’s neck, using the exquisite pain radiating from her back as a map to run her tongue over the delicate skin, mirroring the strange patterns Mikasa was tracing. When she began sucking on her earlobe, nibbling on it before grazing that special spot just behind the ear with the tip of her tongue, Mikasa tensed up under her. Her hands came to rest upon Annie’s buttocks, pressing their hips together tighter. Annie closed her eyes. She could barely hold herself upright, her arms were trembling, but even the tension in her muscles was pleasurable, especially around her abs as she pressed herself a little harder between Mikasa’s legs. Holding herself above her like this, Annie could feel the rough fabric of Mikasa’s shirt brushing against her nipples. She briefly imagined Mikasa’s tongue circling around them, but shook herself out of her fantasy. Mikasa’s breathing was barely audible, but labored.

Annie kissed her cheek and whispered, “tell me what you want.”

“I don’t know. Whatever you do, just look at me while you’re doing it.”

 _I’m not going anywhere,_ Annie almost said, but words were cheap, so she kissed her again instead. Mikasa wrapped her arms around her neck, and Annie wanted to do the same, but she could feel that they were about to ease back into loving, almost chaste gestures, so she disentangled herself and pinned Mikasa’s wrists above her head with one hand, slipping the other into her panties. Mikasa obviously wasn’t expecting her to get there so suddenly and shot her an amused look.

“Oh, hello,” Annie joked upon finding her wetter than she had hoped.

“Afraid you’d lost your touch?”

“A little. But I like to think my insecurities are part of my charm,” Annie retorted with a smug smile.

“They are, actually. Now shut up.”

Annie obeyed, but her smile didn’t fade as she locked eyes with Mikasa, keeping her wrists firmly in place. She ran her fingers through the folds of Mikasa’s sex, drawing little circles around her clit, barely teasing it to let Mikasa’s imagination do the rest, take her places. That’s what they’d always done during sex, leaving each other a little breathing room, a secret garden. It was only when Mikasa turned her head away, biting her lip, that Annie began stroking her clit more frankly. She released her grip on Mikasa’s wrists just enough to lace their fingers together. She watched her chest rise and fall increasingly quickly, thought of her breasts under that shirt and tried to remember their exact shape. A faint moan escaped Mikasa’s lips, snapping Annie back to the here and now. Still rubbing her clit, she slipped two fingers inside her, then a third when Mikasa pressed herself harder against her hand, squirming under her.

She decided not to drag it out, not to bring pleasure to the point of pain. Not everyone liked it that way. Very slowly, she curled her fingers until she hit the spot she knew would send Mikasa over the edge, and it did.

Just as she remembered, it was a quiet thing. Mikasa just stopped breathing for a few seconds, completely still, clutching Annie’s hand like a lifeline. Then she closed her eyes. Annie waited until the spasms around her fingers had subsided before withdrawing her hand. Mikasa’s legs weren’t wrapped around her anymore, just resting on either side. Annie pressed a few light kisses along her inner thighs to bring her back gently. For a second, she considered going at it again, not with her hand this time, but something told her this isn’t what Mikasa wanted.

She pulled herself back up to her initial position and Mikasa looked up, her eyes surprisingly alert.

“You okay?” Annie asked, brushing her bangs out of the way.

Mikasa answered with a kiss. Annie tried to guess what sort of kiss it was, thanks-now-let’s-sleep, or okay-your-turn, but desire was throbbing between her legs and once again, her hardened nipples were scratching against Mikasa’s shirt. The sensation was heady but it also made her want to rip that thing off, or rather, unbutton it delicately, kissing every inch of uncovered skin. Soon, her hand was on Mikasa’s breast, stroking it lightly through the thin fabric. Her heart jumped to her throat when Mikasa grabbed her wrist and removed her hand. It turned out she only guided it down so Annie would slip it beneath her shirt, then pressed it back against her breast, but Annie’s heart was still thumping in her ears.

“Something wrong?”

Annie sighed, giving her a quick peck on the lips. “Nope.”

“Annie, even if it did make me uncomfortable, and I can’t see why it would, do you really think I’d just yank your hand away like that?”

“Well, no, that’s why it freaked me out. But you did say earlier that you weren’t sure whether you could be as open about these things now.”

“True,” Mikasa conceded, rubbing Annie’s back absent-mindedly. “I’m not sure what I meant. Sorry, I know it’s confusing. Still, in case that wasn’t clear, I’m here because I want to be. And your hand is under my shirt because I want it there.”

Annie squeezed her breast playfully. “I want it there too.”

“What else do you want?”

She looked away. “Hm, many things.”

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed.”

“Okay.”

Annie leaned down and murmured something in her ear, then sat up on Mikasa’s thighs to put a little distance between them. Mikasa didn’t let her, following her movement so that they were sitting face to face, her arms wrapped around Annie’s waist. “I know, baby.” She drew her close. “I know.”

Annie nodded. “I needed you to hear it.”

Mikasa cupped her face and lowered it towards her so she could kiss the tip of her nose. They settled in each other’s embrace for what seemed like a long time. Annie shivered when Mikasa’s lips brushed her neck, she felt her breathe in her scent and wondered if it was still the same, after so much time, so many different types of soap, Moroccan mint, sandalwood… her perfume hadn’t changed, but she didn’t wear it as often as before.

“I know we’re having a moment,” Mikasa said after a while, raising her head to look at her, “but one of your boobs is pressing against my throat.”

“Does that mean you want me to move or is it your way to tell me you’re still into breathplay?”

“Well,” Mikasa replied slowly, “being choked by your boobs would certainly be an interesting experience, but I had something a little more traditional in mind.”

“But are you? Still into breathplay, I mean?”

“I guess, but only with you. I’d— wait, is talking about this turning you on?”

“If it wasn’t so dark, you might even catch me blushing. I loved it, doing this to you. Knowing you felt safe enough with me to share your kinks and let me give you what you needed… it meant a lot to me.”

“It meant a lot to me, too. And you were so gentle. You still are.” Mikasa tucked a strand of hair behind Annie’s ear. Annie opened her mouth but Mikasa silenced her with a kiss before she could speak. “No more words. They’re tiresome.” She held her gaze for a few seconds, as if to make sure she was going to stay quiet. Annie indulged her, a smile gracing her lips.

Mikasa’s hand left the small of Annie’s back, travelled up to one of her breasts and started fondling it, pressing feather-light kisses on the other. When Mikasa’s mouth closed over her nipple, Annie tilted her head back, her eyes barely open. Pale light seeped through the thin curtains, forming vague symbols on the ceiling. Her unfocused eyes traced them as if they were the shapes of her sensations, fading in and out of existence as clouds passed before the moon intermittently.

Her hand covered Mikasa’s, pressing it harder against her breast to match the slow, razor-sharp pleasure her tongue and lips were giving her on the other side, circling around her nipple, sucking on it. Annie let out a shaky breath. The room swayed around her like a dark fish bowl. She closed her eyes and imagined that they were back in their studio. Daytime lovemaking, late afternoon sunlight spilling everywhere, all the time in the world. No wind sighing in the trees, no nature, no mountains, just the hum of the city drifting in through the open window. Warm, polluted summer air cooling their skin. Some elusive tension seemed to seep away from her body and for the first time, she felt herself relax into Mikasa’s arms. She kept her eyes closed and her memories alive.

Mikasa must have sensed the change, because she pulled her into a feverish kiss but broke it almost right away to lift her up and lower her down on the bed. “Can you…”

“Okay, like that?”

“No, just…” Mikasa slipped an arm between Annie’s back and the mattress, then flipped her over carefully so that she was lying on her stomach.

Annie propped herself up on her elbows, her heart racing in anticipation. Mikasa wrapped her arms around her from behind, cupping her breasts, and began to run her tongue over Annie’s lower back, slowly making her way up. Annie glanced down and watched the way Mikasa stroked her breasts, rolling her nipples between her slender fingers. Annie had the sudden urge to take them into her mouth, but she knew better. What was so arousing about the situation was precisely the fact that she was strictly on the receiving end, unable to divert her focus from all the stimuli assaulting her senses. With nothing to grasp or kiss, she ended up burying her face in her hands, fighting not to squirm under Mikasa’s touch. She could feel her tongue between her shoulder blades.

“Are you writing something?”

“Nothing dirty, I promise.”

Mikasa finally reached the back of her neck and placed a lingering kiss there. Annie swallowed hard. Mikasa’s hands left her breasts, one of them sliding up to cup her throat lightly, just the way Annie liked it, the other making its way down. Annie bit her lip but failed to stifle a moan when Mikasa’s fingernails scratched the skin just below her navel.

“I love your voice,” Mikasa whispered.

Annie felt dizzy, so she rested her forehead on her arm. The caress of Mikasa’s tongue on the nape of her neck was soon replaced by some gentle nibbling. Annie clutched the sheets hard enough to make her fingers hurt, and made an effort to lift herself up slightly to give Mikasa enough space to slide her hand between her legs. She felt her brush her hair away from her neck, kissing her below the ear a few times before sucking on the skin there. Softly at first, then it became painful. Colourful spots danced before Annie’s eyes. The thought that she was going to have one hell of a hickey in the morning crossed her mind. Hitting the right note, that balance between the throbbing pain in her neck and the way Mikasa kept her hand on her throat, tenderly – taught like a guitar string, vibrating and still, that’s what if felt like. Music. She could hardly think, it kept her in a good place. A good place. Something.

She started breathing again when Mikasa’s lips left the side of her neck, but winced when she felt them return to the nape. This time the nibbling wasn’t so gentle. She was half-gasping, half-moaning in the sheets, her head cradled in the crook of her arm. Her hands were shaking. Once, twice, Mikasa’s teeth dug into her skin.

“Is that okay? Tell me if I go too far.”

Annie reached behind her to find the back of Mikasa’s head and pressed it harder against her neck, clutching her hair. “I trust you.” She was panting so hard she wasn’t sure Mikasa had heard her, in fact she wasn’t sure she’d spoken at all, or when exactly Mikasa had started massaging her clit. Like ice in her veins, pleasure pulsed throughout her nervous system violently, down her thighs, to the tip of her fingers. Mikasa was really hurting her now, with deep, slow bites, but she knew when to stop and soothe Annie’s raw skin with her tongue, never biting the same spot twice.

“Hold me. Hold me, I’m gonna…”

Mikasa complied, even removing her hand from between Annie’s legs to slip her arm under her more tightly, pulling her closer. She kissed her shoulder. It was only then, feeling encased, contained, that Annie let herself come. She was clutching Mikasa’s forearm through her shirt, so hard she knew it would leave a bruise.

 

* * *

 

Annie exited the gas station, tucking her receipt in her pocket. She stopped by a vending machine outside the building, paid for a double espresso and walked back to her car with the steaming cup in her hand. Mikasa’s coffee was strong, but it was wearing off by now, and Annie was tired. There was no one else on the parking lot. Cars were flashing by on the highway above, the sky was clear.


End file.
